Where would we be without hands?
Well, nobody would have ever been able to write anything, meaning Shakespeare wouldn’t exist and nobody would know what ‘mud-bloods’, ‘butter-beers’ or ‘horcruxes’ were.
Cricket would be an even less entertaining game than it already is, everybody would have to carry things with their teeth, and logic dictates that the porn industry would be dead in the water. Referees, meanwhile, would no longer have to enforce one of the most ridiculous rules the game has to offer, and the world would therefore be a slightly nicer place for them to live in. I am, of course, referring to the handball rule, and in the absence of a government warrant that permits me to remove all footballers’ hands, I have charged myself with finding an alternative to the sickeningly ambiguous law that distinguishes between ‘accidental’ and ‘purposeful’ handballs, and ranks a mistimed flick of the finger up there with a Roy Keane two-footer as one the game’s greatest sins.
 “I’m here for your hands Mr Rooney…” |
The reality is that handballs are fairly minor misdemeanours compared to the bad-mouthing, cheating and leg-breaking that we are so often treated to, and punishments should be administered accordingly. In a game where balls are being pinged around the penalty box at break-neck speed, I don’t think a referee can ever truly know whether or not a defender ‘meant’ to handle, or whether his body involuntarily reacted this way. At the same time, can we really say that a perfectly weighted cross that is ‘accidentally’ cut out by a stray arm is any less of an injustice than one that it is beaten away with a Bruce Lee-esque karate chop? The penalty awarded to Greece at the end of their Euro 2012 quarter-final is just another example of how nobody ever knows for certain what truly constitutes a handball, and it is for this reason that the boffins at the 90 Minute These have devised a very simple solution…
 “Come over here and tell me I’m getting booked…” |
If the ball hits a player’s hand, no matter where they are on the pitch, and whether it was intentional, inadvertent or the result of some cunning gamesmanship from the opposition, a foul and indirect free-kick should be given. This not only resolves all complications, but distinguishes the cheeky hand from the naughty studs-up challenge, and means that the attacking team are still presented with a promising opportunity to score. A handball eighteen-yards out would warrant an indirect free-kick eighteen yards out, and a handball six-yards out would reward the forwards for gaining those crucial extra yards – let’s face it, a team who have forced a defender to handle on the corner of the area are less deserving of a goal than those who have penetrated the back line.
Problem solved? Not if you’re a Ghana fan. Assamoah Gyan must still be haunted by that World Cup penalty miss in 2010, and you can’t help but feel sorry for the Africans that cheating well and truly prospered when Luis Suarez swatted away Dominic Adiyiah’s goal-bound header in the last minute of stoppage time. For incidents such as these, a penalty goal should be awarded, meaning the Ghanas of years to come will get their just rewards, and the match need not be marred by a controversial sending off or messy penalty incident.
 “Penalty? But in my country we’re allowed to handle it whenever we want!” |
Sepp Blatter and his evil FIFA henchmen would probably dismiss our ideas as un-bungworthy, but we’re certain that this rule-book reform will be to the benefit of everyone, and you muggles better believe we’re right. As far as I’m aware there are no Quidditch blogs on the web that can offer a higher standard of wit and cartoons…
 A blatant case of ball-to-hand |
Post written by The 90 Minute Theses
Blog: The 90 Minute Theses, Twitter: @90minutetheses
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Source:
http://www.matchdayapp.com/directly-indirect/